My head has this overwhelming urge to express itself, but when it comes to putting words down I am at a loss at where to start.
Today I am just feeling a lot. Not emotional really, feeling energy; existence.
I was walking to the bus stop this morning and felt the cold wet air and was happy to have left my sweater at home. That started my head on how incredible it is to wake up to cool mornings, sunny days and often rainy nights. I looked around at all the flowers and trees that surrounded me, though my neighborhood is inundated with affordable apartments and town homes. I also felt myself. Rather, that image I see of myself. Fashionable fat girl darting mid-block across the street, cute bag swinging, to catch the metro downtown.
That almost surreal look of myself continued on the bus.... straight out of Eternal Sunshine, I was the girl in the back, drivers side, staring at the passing scenery and getting lost in the passing boutique windows and brunch queues, dog walkers and joggers, glimpses of mountains, sea and poverty.
Life as it is, even with its current tribulations, is good. My past self pictured this right now, but didn't believe it could be a reality. It's incredible it is.
I could not stop smiling, passing that smile to others.
A lyric from the show 'Rent' keeps resonating in my head today as well; "The opposite of war isn't Peace, it's Creation". Perhaps a sign, along with this need for expression, that there is more my soul needs to do right now. As of late I've been very insular with myself, my friends, and my loves. Maybe I could use some expansion in that circle of familiars.
Right now feels like a revolution. Conquering my own health, finding peace with being alone, but also sharing time and the pieces of myself I can with the people I invite into my life. I tend to be a segmented person; meaning that often people fit in certain files of my life,work, school, friends, family, loves. It has been some work to not do that as much. I put or don't put limits on each of those categories, when sometimes I should be opening those bounds or setting more for myself.
I hope to write more often, whether it garners attention or not. I do adore feedback and the sharing of stories. Expression seems easier and less overwhelming in text than conversation sometimes. While I often loath text conversations for their lack of body language, devoid of emotion, and without inflection, I find it easier to be more expressive and honest with my thought. More organized and less tangential.
Xoxo
Monika
Currently listening to: Cat Power
Album: Sun
