Updates

Hey all,

So it’s been a while, yeah? Well, let me tell you it’s been a trip!  So here’s a wrap up:

I met Brian (B from here forward) a year and a half ago. Our initial meeting was as a casual acquaintance at a group event invited by someone else. This guy kept showing up. He was cute. He was sweet. He was funny. He was unexpected. I flirted as much as my shy self could, which went completely unnoticed.

We were then set up on an evening together, and well, we’ve been a thing since. The thing about B is that he can always make me smile. He enjoys my companionship and partnership as much as I value his. We make a great team.  We have had countless in depth conversations about anything you can imagine. He is really great for me.

So why does this pertain to personal growth? Well he’s allowed me to take on a new role in life. I can be very social and take on leadership roles very well, but, generally felt inhibited by my shyness and introversion. A lot of that had to do with confidence. Not feeling confident in myself as a person, not feeling confident in my attractiveness, and in general actually not having a very confident sense of self.

I’ve had to re-evaluate a lot in life. I have discovered friendships and nurtured other ones more to find a great new group of people which I genuinely feel myself around. I don’t have to have a pretense or a past persona to cling to. I get to just be myself. I think these friends also align a lot closer to my personal values, and goals. They are supportive and also unselfish. They’re great!

I am also not afraid to stand out. This is partly due to a lot of great body-positive role models, and encouragement within my relationship and friendships. I don’t blend in with my neutrals and pig tails anymore. I am ever forming my personal style to one that is a feeling of me. I decided hey why not, and had my hair died a gorgeous auburn and violet.  I have a (small) visible tattoo, with more planned. I don’t worry so much if my tummy is a little poochy or my butt looks big because it doesn’t matter. If I feel comfortable, and confident, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, or if I am attractive to them. My fuckability shouldn’t matter to anyone by my partner.

B likes me because in general I am just awesome. He doesn’t like me because I’m a larger lady (though some attributes he definitely enjoys). He’s dated smaller people (than me) almost exclusively. I’ve had my share of people who have dated me just because I was bigger and/or red-headed, or thought that I would lose the weight for the person, and my stature was simply tolerated.

I also feel valued and appreciated in my job. This was also a new one for me.

I found Monika somewhere in the last year. She’s pretty assertive, and passionate. She likes being surrounded by people who she is close with, and enjoys just being out in life now.

I’ve recently took on a co-coordinator position within a meetup group and have had some great times meeting new people, forming new bonds and new friendships, while at the same time, broadening our scope and message of inclusion, commitment and community. There is not a week that goes by now, that I run into someone I know out and about.

I am really enjoying where this journey is taking me, us. I am very thankful for the decisions that had led me to this place.

XOXO
Monika

Curently Listening to: Ed Sheeran- X & +

People Energy

I recently was given a term for a concept that I have held for a while.

"People Energy" is a similar concept to the spoon concept. Both are of the premise that I only have enough "People Energy" or "Spoons" for each day.

 

Some things take my energy away, and some things replenish it. For example: Having to ride the bus during peak hours and then grocery shopping at a busy small store afterward will take away energy; while going home and having dinner made for me, and being able to watch a show or read or nap will replenish it.

 

If I know I have an event that will require a lot of socializing or being around large groups I can take steps to "save" energy (spoons) up so I can meet those expectations without feeling overwhelmed or zapped for energy for days.

 

Leading up to it, I give my self-expectations a break. It's okay to let laundry or dishes sit. I nap. I try to eat well, exercise a bit and have some one on one time with my SOS or a close friend. I treat myself similarly afterwards.

 

It has also been helpful acknowledging where my limits are and being okay with saying, "this has been fun, but I am going to take off now" BEFORE my limit has been reached.

Generally when I start to withdraw, or find focusing difficult, or seeking a lot of affection I'm close to being done.

 

Affection to me is like a little energy booster shot. My theory for that is rather scientific, but the gist is that: A kiss, a hug, hair pets, or a hand holding from someone I am close with opens my serotonin banks. I get a little dose of happy brain juice! It only does so much though.

When I am uncomfortable I tend to seek out more (consensual) touching to offer me some stability until I can find my place in the situation.

 

I actually had a great experience with utilizing the people energy bank storage this weekend.

I was invited to a housewarming party for a friend of a friend I've just recently become acquainted with again. I knew a few people and my SOS came along too. Most people attending are rather extroverted and share a common social scene I was not part of.

I wanted to be social and friendly as I do see commonalities between these people and myself, and i have a genuine interest in knowing them better and developing my own independent friendships.

The morning of, I took time to eat well, did some yoga, watched television, and shared some time with my SOS.

 

At the party I felt great. I think I had conversations with everyone in attendance, I felt happy, laughed a lot, and didn't feel out of place or anxious. I got a few booster energy shots by some hair playing (3x!), some SOS snuggling, and some great one-on-one relating with a new person.

The next day I did feel a little zapped, but did the things that rejuvenate me: creative cooking, resting, and bringing some structure/organization/cleanliness to my home life. I got some big time help with the chores so I could sleep in and nap.

 

It was a very great experience.

-Monika

 

The Spoon Theory: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/