Social Calendar

Wow -o- Wow! August was CRAZY! I often find myself at a loss of what to do with my evenings and spare time.  A lot has happened!

First it was birthday madness!  My bestest, her older sister and I all have birthdays in August so it was a whole lot of party time and get togethers.  I also started (and stopped) seeing "stuffy suit guy" (more on this later).  I usually keep my social obligations on a white board calendar in my kitchen, so its easily accessible, but to keep things in order for August I ended up getting a purse sized calendar/planner so I had it with me all the time.

I do enjoy being busy, and I LOVE spending time with my friends, especially in a laid back environment.  I had the chance to meet a few new people which was really great, and definitely helped me with my socializing skills.  The problem with me, personally, being so busy though, is I don't take time for myself.  So I wasn't cooking for myself (eating out a lot) which is not completely healthy.  I also tend to spend more money (when budgets are tight), and my house gets pretty messy (yes, it's really messy!).  I also don't have the chance to process and think about all that is going on.

So when things settle down and I have all this time now, my head gets a little like a whirlpool.  I just cannot stop thinking about everything all at once.  I like to compartmentalize things in my life, and its very hard to do when everything wants to bombard me all at once.

This sounds a little crazy. I know.  I feel a little crazy when its happening.  There are single thoughts, words, phrases, even sounds... combined with emotions, and worries....  So now I'm coming off the go go go, and having time to process everything, and having a lot of time all to myself. 

So what has happened in the past month?

Work:

While I am very very VERY very thankful to have a job, it is not the sort of job that is mind engaging.  I also have a problem with a co-worker who is an adult bully.  I also learned that one of the ladies I really enjoy working with will be moving to a different department.  In her place though is a lady who has a similar path that I have had with the department. (For those unaware) I was moved from a position that I really really wanted, thought I would excel at, and was told that it wasn't working out for me there (though why it wasn't working out was never explained to me).  Rather than unemployment, I was moved into an admin role with a paycut.  Still am VERY happy to just have a job.

I have become increasingly dissatisfied with going to work everyday, so I have been applying to other positions with the department/ city, and also making my interest known in a position that I think I will really enjoy.  It's very technical, and changes every day... plus I have three years experience in it, as well as advanced certifications and have trained on this job (just not here in Seattle).  There would also be room for advancement in that position.

I also got sick of saying "I'm going to go to business school eventually" and made the plunge, applied to a couple community colleges, filled out my financial aid forms and was accepted.  I have to work on clearing up a random student loan I wasn't aware wasn't paid (10 years later). I should be going to school starting in February for Business Administration with a focus on Entrepreneurship and Project Management.  While I would LOVE to open my bakery sooner than later, it requires a significant investment.  That investment cannot happen with the job I am doing now.  So the hope is to get the education/ experience to be a project manager.  I think it would be a great fit for me in the time being until I can get things off the ground with the bakery.

Friends:

I had the amazing opportunity to spend a lot of time with my friends this month, but feel like there is a slight disconnect.  I'm not sure why its happened/happening, but I really don't like it.  Maybe I'm just a little different than they thought I was.  Maybe I'm not as interesting.  Maybe I'm too negative.  I don't know.  Maybe we're just in different places in life that don't quite mesh right now.

I did enjoy the low key time spent at the beach, the wonderful food and all the sweet treats that this month brought.  I had the chance to meet a couple of amazing new people thanks to my bestest's older sister having amazing friends who travel across the country just to see her.  I thoroughly enjoyed listening to, and being engaged in their conversations.

Cooking:

Oh my gosh!  My "experiments" have been getting better and better and no failing as much.  I am very happy with playing with new flavors (Lemongrass Ginger Stewed Pork) and making decadent sweets (Dark Chocolate, Mocha, Chocolate Chip Cookie Brownies).

SOOOOO.... now taking some deep breaths, and enjoying life how it is.  While sometimes it feels kind of crummy.... I am so very very happy.

Self Image

 So the first steps in the project are to search myself and get to the roots of the shyness. I think a lot of it has to do with self-confidence.

I am a very self-aware person. I am cognizant of just about everything that is going on, and if things are out of whack can usually figure out the cause and work to overcome that. So I know that I am intelligent, sweet natured, caring, giving, empathetic, funny, a good fashion sense, work ethic, independence, talented, cute and so much more. I can take compliments on the things that I "know" to be true.

The problem comes in when people pay me compliments on things that I don't acknowledge as being true: sexy, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous....

I "argued" with a person a few nights ago after they called me sexy. I told them I was not, then asked them to tell me what it was they thought was sexy. The conversation got as far as having nice hair and eyes (which I can accept as I think they are both really great assets) . I guess though, I don't find them particularly sexy.
I also get really down on myself when I am paid these sorts of compliments. First denying them to the person paying them, then my inner voice telling me all the things that I find unattractive about myself, but then outside me gets mad at my inner voice for tearing me down because I shouldn't be... I am a gorgeous girl, and I do <3 my curves, and I am sexy. I've been wrapped up in this spiral since delving into the core of the shyness project.

I've got some amazing partners and people in my life who are great at assuring me how awesome I am, but it only helps if I believe it. I think it's hard to find myself attractive because I'm not the sort of girl that I am attracted to, or find "pretty".

What has thoroughly helped tonight is some really great body positive websites. Seeing women of all shapes and sizes depicted in a beautiful way assures me somehow that I'm pretty great.

Just thought I would share my positives for the day:
http://volup2.com/
http://adipositivity.my-expressions.com/galleries/9…

Shy in the Office

We'll start here because it's fresh.  I want to first say that I am beyond happy to have a job that pays me well enough to live off of and have a little fun here and there.  I however am in a position that is not all that challenging and with a group of people that have their pre-existing issues.  I came in the middle of this.

My nature in the office is just to be a good little worker bee and do the best I can for the success of the job.  I try to avoid the drama, gossip, nonsense etc. that tends to happen in work place.  So I sit quietly with my trainer, learn my job, and since we spend so much time together we form a friendship/work relationship.  This is when I'm at my best.  I am very good one-on-one with people who are laid back and easy going and have a sarcastic sense of humor.

Apparently though some of my co-workers would ask my trainer "Is Monika nice?" or "Why doesn't she ever talk to me?" to even saying mean things and insinuating that I was stuck up, better than all of them and bitchy.  I'm am fairly self-aware and know that I am being quiet, but never am I mean or rude.  I'm not quite sure where the last perception came from, but the more I learn about that person I think that her words came out of jealousy or envy or out of defense of feeling threatened rather than actual perception of my actions.

Still though, those are not new perceptions that I've heard of coming from me.  Throw in a dash of anti-social, self-centered, depressed and snobby and you have a recipe of me from a lot of the people I went to high school with.

What I am glad for is that these are not the impressions that my supervisor nor senior admin have of me.  Also since this position is transitional for me, I have to make connections outside my office but within the department in order to find a better fit for myself within the agency. The word on the figurative street though, is that in order to move to a different office you really need to know someone there.  A lot of positions are posted because per union standards they have to be, but typically the person to fill the position has already been selected.

Now knowing this I have been trying to get out to after work agency functions that would give me the opportunity to meet new people and find out about the different areas I could move to.  There are a few personal problems I have with the social functions though.  First, I don't know anyone and I don't mingle very well.  If I went on my own I would likely just sit there and wait for someone to approach me.  Also when I first meet people my conversations are rather short and to the point without a lot of elaboration.  I also get anxiety with a lot of people, a lot of noise and not having an anchor, or person that I can lean on to make the introductions, or to be the bold one to talk to others first and engage the conversation.

I have been invited to a few things by my supervisor.  He didn't realize I was as shy as I am apparently, and it became clear at the first of these events.  He does a really great job of making introductions though, almost to the disservice of keeping an employee.  He introduces me, and then gushes about my accomplishments within the department to people that could potential choose me as an employee.  So the first outing was about just being brave and getting out.

I actually just went which was a step in itself.  I had fun and one of my friends from back home joined me, and provided me with an anchor for the evening.  It was just a step of agreeing to go.  I figured if I kept saying no, my supervisor would stop inviting me.  I will say that I didn't step too far outside the realm of safe.  I was proud of myself for just going, staying the whole time, and feeling little anxiety while I was surrounded by a lot of strangers in a small space with a lot of noise and unfamiliarity.

I give myself a gold star for this!

Next Time: Pride Parade and the Shy Girl Club

introductions

Hi there... monika here.  I wanted a place outside of facebook and fetlife to work through my most recent adventures in being less of a shy girl.

So, I've always been the quiet, bookwormish, wall flower girl.  I have a hard time connecting with people that I first meet; especially if I meet them in a group setting.  Generally I make my impressions of people based on their interactions with others and just by watching how they get along with others.  I listen to what they say to see if there are red flags that would concern me if I were to speak with them; really it's just getting a general idea of who they are so that I know the best way to approach them and interact with them.

I have been called anti-social, snobby, stuck up, and even bitchy and mean by people who interpret my shyness as something else.  It hurts having that be the perception, when anyone who knows me, knows that is far from the truth.

Big social situations also cause me a lot of anxiety.  When there is a lot of noise, a lot of people, a lot of conversations, and just a whole lot going on, I have a hard time focusing.  That's why the one-on-one interactions work better for me.  I can focus on a single person, what they're saying and engage in a conversation free of a lot of distraction.

Being shy has now become a roadblock for me both professionally and in my romantic relationships with my SOS and my Sweetie.

So this is going to be a telling of my adventures, my feelings and my efforts in hopes of externalizing the my inner social butterfly.  I hope to share this with others and get some constructive feedback or just some cheerleading!

Thanks for reading--
-m