Updates

Hey all,

So it’s been a while, yeah? Well, let me tell you it’s been a trip!  So here’s a wrap up:

I met Brian (B from here forward) a year and a half ago. Our initial meeting was as a casual acquaintance at a group event invited by someone else. This guy kept showing up. He was cute. He was sweet. He was funny. He was unexpected. I flirted as much as my shy self could, which went completely unnoticed.

We were then set up on an evening together, and well, we’ve been a thing since. The thing about B is that he can always make me smile. He enjoys my companionship and partnership as much as I value his. We make a great team.  We have had countless in depth conversations about anything you can imagine. He is really great for me.

So why does this pertain to personal growth? Well he’s allowed me to take on a new role in life. I can be very social and take on leadership roles very well, but, generally felt inhibited by my shyness and introversion. A lot of that had to do with confidence. Not feeling confident in myself as a person, not feeling confident in my attractiveness, and in general actually not having a very confident sense of self.

I’ve had to re-evaluate a lot in life. I have discovered friendships and nurtured other ones more to find a great new group of people which I genuinely feel myself around. I don’t have to have a pretense or a past persona to cling to. I get to just be myself. I think these friends also align a lot closer to my personal values, and goals. They are supportive and also unselfish. They’re great!

I am also not afraid to stand out. This is partly due to a lot of great body-positive role models, and encouragement within my relationship and friendships. I don’t blend in with my neutrals and pig tails anymore. I am ever forming my personal style to one that is a feeling of me. I decided hey why not, and had my hair died a gorgeous auburn and violet.  I have a (small) visible tattoo, with more planned. I don’t worry so much if my tummy is a little poochy or my butt looks big because it doesn’t matter. If I feel comfortable, and confident, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, or if I am attractive to them. My fuckability shouldn’t matter to anyone by my partner.

B likes me because in general I am just awesome. He doesn’t like me because I’m a larger lady (though some attributes he definitely enjoys). He’s dated smaller people (than me) almost exclusively. I’ve had my share of people who have dated me just because I was bigger and/or red-headed, or thought that I would lose the weight for the person, and my stature was simply tolerated.

I also feel valued and appreciated in my job. This was also a new one for me.

I found Monika somewhere in the last year. She’s pretty assertive, and passionate. She likes being surrounded by people who she is close with, and enjoys just being out in life now.

I’ve recently took on a co-coordinator position within a meetup group and have had some great times meeting new people, forming new bonds and new friendships, while at the same time, broadening our scope and message of inclusion, commitment and community. There is not a week that goes by now, that I run into someone I know out and about.

I am really enjoying where this journey is taking me, us. I am very thankful for the decisions that had led me to this place.

XOXO
Monika

Curently Listening to: Ed Sheeran- X & +

People Energy

I recently was given a term for a concept that I have held for a while.

"People Energy" is a similar concept to the spoon concept. Both are of the premise that I only have enough "People Energy" or "Spoons" for each day.

 

Some things take my energy away, and some things replenish it. For example: Having to ride the bus during peak hours and then grocery shopping at a busy small store afterward will take away energy; while going home and having dinner made for me, and being able to watch a show or read or nap will replenish it.

 

If I know I have an event that will require a lot of socializing or being around large groups I can take steps to "save" energy (spoons) up so I can meet those expectations without feeling overwhelmed or zapped for energy for days.

 

Leading up to it, I give my self-expectations a break. It's okay to let laundry or dishes sit. I nap. I try to eat well, exercise a bit and have some one on one time with my SOS or a close friend. I treat myself similarly afterwards.

 

It has also been helpful acknowledging where my limits are and being okay with saying, "this has been fun, but I am going to take off now" BEFORE my limit has been reached.

Generally when I start to withdraw, or find focusing difficult, or seeking a lot of affection I'm close to being done.

 

Affection to me is like a little energy booster shot. My theory for that is rather scientific, but the gist is that: A kiss, a hug, hair pets, or a hand holding from someone I am close with opens my serotonin banks. I get a little dose of happy brain juice! It only does so much though.

When I am uncomfortable I tend to seek out more (consensual) touching to offer me some stability until I can find my place in the situation.

 

I actually had a great experience with utilizing the people energy bank storage this weekend.

I was invited to a housewarming party for a friend of a friend I've just recently become acquainted with again. I knew a few people and my SOS came along too. Most people attending are rather extroverted and share a common social scene I was not part of.

I wanted to be social and friendly as I do see commonalities between these people and myself, and i have a genuine interest in knowing them better and developing my own independent friendships.

The morning of, I took time to eat well, did some yoga, watched television, and shared some time with my SOS.

 

At the party I felt great. I think I had conversations with everyone in attendance, I felt happy, laughed a lot, and didn't feel out of place or anxious. I got a few booster energy shots by some hair playing (3x!), some SOS snuggling, and some great one-on-one relating with a new person.

The next day I did feel a little zapped, but did the things that rejuvenate me: creative cooking, resting, and bringing some structure/organization/cleanliness to my home life. I got some big time help with the chores so I could sleep in and nap.

 

It was a very great experience.

-Monika

 

The Spoon Theory: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Nearly a year later

My head has this overwhelming urge to express itself, but when it comes to putting words down I am at a loss at where to start.

Today I am just feeling a lot. Not emotional really, feeling energy; existence.

I was walking to the bus stop this morning and felt the cold wet air and was happy to have left my sweater at home. That started my head on how incredible it is to wake up to cool mornings, sunny days and often rainy nights. I looked around at all the flowers and trees that surrounded me, though my neighborhood is inundated with affordable apartments and town homes. I also felt myself. Rather, that image I see of myself. Fashionable fat girl darting mid-block across the street, cute bag swinging, to catch the metro downtown.

That almost surreal look of myself continued on the bus.... straight out of Eternal Sunshine, I was the girl in the back, drivers side, staring at the passing scenery and getting lost in the passing boutique windows and brunch queues, dog walkers and joggers, glimpses of mountains, sea and poverty.

Life as it is, even with its current tribulations, is good. My past self pictured this right now, but didn't believe it could be a reality. It's incredible it is.

I could not stop smiling, passing that smile to others.

A lyric from the show 'Rent' keeps resonating in my head today as well; "The opposite of war isn't Peace, it's Creation". Perhaps a sign, along with this need for expression, that there is more my soul needs to do right now. As of late I've been very insular with myself, my friends, and my loves. Maybe I could use some expansion in that circle of familiars.

Right now feels like a revolution. Conquering my own health, finding peace with being alone, but also sharing time and the pieces of myself I can with the people I invite into my life. I tend to be a segmented person; meaning that often people fit in certain files of my life,work, school, friends, family, loves. It has been some work to not do that as much. I put or don't put limits on each of those categories, when sometimes I should be opening those bounds or setting more for myself.

I hope to write more often, whether it garners attention or not. I do adore feedback and the sharing of stories. Expression seems easier and less overwhelming in text than conversation sometimes. While I often loath text conversations for their lack of body language, devoid of emotion, and without inflection, I find it easier to be more expressive and honest with my thought. More organized and less tangential.

Xoxo
Monika

Currently listening to: Cat Power
Album: Sun

Social Calendar

Wow -o- Wow! August was CRAZY! I often find myself at a loss of what to do with my evenings and spare time.  A lot has happened!

First it was birthday madness!  My bestest, her older sister and I all have birthdays in August so it was a whole lot of party time and get togethers.  I also started (and stopped) seeing "stuffy suit guy" (more on this later).  I usually keep my social obligations on a white board calendar in my kitchen, so its easily accessible, but to keep things in order for August I ended up getting a purse sized calendar/planner so I had it with me all the time.

I do enjoy being busy, and I LOVE spending time with my friends, especially in a laid back environment.  I had the chance to meet a few new people which was really great, and definitely helped me with my socializing skills.  The problem with me, personally, being so busy though, is I don't take time for myself.  So I wasn't cooking for myself (eating out a lot) which is not completely healthy.  I also tend to spend more money (when budgets are tight), and my house gets pretty messy (yes, it's really messy!).  I also don't have the chance to process and think about all that is going on.

So when things settle down and I have all this time now, my head gets a little like a whirlpool.  I just cannot stop thinking about everything all at once.  I like to compartmentalize things in my life, and its very hard to do when everything wants to bombard me all at once.

This sounds a little crazy. I know.  I feel a little crazy when its happening.  There are single thoughts, words, phrases, even sounds... combined with emotions, and worries....  So now I'm coming off the go go go, and having time to process everything, and having a lot of time all to myself. 

So what has happened in the past month?

Work:

While I am very very VERY very thankful to have a job, it is not the sort of job that is mind engaging.  I also have a problem with a co-worker who is an adult bully.  I also learned that one of the ladies I really enjoy working with will be moving to a different department.  In her place though is a lady who has a similar path that I have had with the department. (For those unaware) I was moved from a position that I really really wanted, thought I would excel at, and was told that it wasn't working out for me there (though why it wasn't working out was never explained to me).  Rather than unemployment, I was moved into an admin role with a paycut.  Still am VERY happy to just have a job.

I have become increasingly dissatisfied with going to work everyday, so I have been applying to other positions with the department/ city, and also making my interest known in a position that I think I will really enjoy.  It's very technical, and changes every day... plus I have three years experience in it, as well as advanced certifications and have trained on this job (just not here in Seattle).  There would also be room for advancement in that position.

I also got sick of saying "I'm going to go to business school eventually" and made the plunge, applied to a couple community colleges, filled out my financial aid forms and was accepted.  I have to work on clearing up a random student loan I wasn't aware wasn't paid (10 years later). I should be going to school starting in February for Business Administration with a focus on Entrepreneurship and Project Management.  While I would LOVE to open my bakery sooner than later, it requires a significant investment.  That investment cannot happen with the job I am doing now.  So the hope is to get the education/ experience to be a project manager.  I think it would be a great fit for me in the time being until I can get things off the ground with the bakery.

Friends:

I had the amazing opportunity to spend a lot of time with my friends this month, but feel like there is a slight disconnect.  I'm not sure why its happened/happening, but I really don't like it.  Maybe I'm just a little different than they thought I was.  Maybe I'm not as interesting.  Maybe I'm too negative.  I don't know.  Maybe we're just in different places in life that don't quite mesh right now.

I did enjoy the low key time spent at the beach, the wonderful food and all the sweet treats that this month brought.  I had the chance to meet a couple of amazing new people thanks to my bestest's older sister having amazing friends who travel across the country just to see her.  I thoroughly enjoyed listening to, and being engaged in their conversations.

Cooking:

Oh my gosh!  My "experiments" have been getting better and better and no failing as much.  I am very happy with playing with new flavors (Lemongrass Ginger Stewed Pork) and making decadent sweets (Dark Chocolate, Mocha, Chocolate Chip Cookie Brownies).

SOOOOO.... now taking some deep breaths, and enjoying life how it is.  While sometimes it feels kind of crummy.... I am so very very happy.

Self Image

 So the first steps in the project are to search myself and get to the roots of the shyness. I think a lot of it has to do with self-confidence.

I am a very self-aware person. I am cognizant of just about everything that is going on, and if things are out of whack can usually figure out the cause and work to overcome that. So I know that I am intelligent, sweet natured, caring, giving, empathetic, funny, a good fashion sense, work ethic, independence, talented, cute and so much more. I can take compliments on the things that I "know" to be true.

The problem comes in when people pay me compliments on things that I don't acknowledge as being true: sexy, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous....

I "argued" with a person a few nights ago after they called me sexy. I told them I was not, then asked them to tell me what it was they thought was sexy. The conversation got as far as having nice hair and eyes (which I can accept as I think they are both really great assets) . I guess though, I don't find them particularly sexy.
I also get really down on myself when I am paid these sorts of compliments. First denying them to the person paying them, then my inner voice telling me all the things that I find unattractive about myself, but then outside me gets mad at my inner voice for tearing me down because I shouldn't be... I am a gorgeous girl, and I do <3 my curves, and I am sexy. I've been wrapped up in this spiral since delving into the core of the shyness project.

I've got some amazing partners and people in my life who are great at assuring me how awesome I am, but it only helps if I believe it. I think it's hard to find myself attractive because I'm not the sort of girl that I am attracted to, or find "pretty".

What has thoroughly helped tonight is some really great body positive websites. Seeing women of all shapes and sizes depicted in a beautiful way assures me somehow that I'm pretty great.

Just thought I would share my positives for the day:
http://volup2.com/
http://adipositivity.my-expressions.com/galleries/9…

Shy in the Office

We'll start here because it's fresh.  I want to first say that I am beyond happy to have a job that pays me well enough to live off of and have a little fun here and there.  I however am in a position that is not all that challenging and with a group of people that have their pre-existing issues.  I came in the middle of this.

My nature in the office is just to be a good little worker bee and do the best I can for the success of the job.  I try to avoid the drama, gossip, nonsense etc. that tends to happen in work place.  So I sit quietly with my trainer, learn my job, and since we spend so much time together we form a friendship/work relationship.  This is when I'm at my best.  I am very good one-on-one with people who are laid back and easy going and have a sarcastic sense of humor.

Apparently though some of my co-workers would ask my trainer "Is Monika nice?" or "Why doesn't she ever talk to me?" to even saying mean things and insinuating that I was stuck up, better than all of them and bitchy.  I'm am fairly self-aware and know that I am being quiet, but never am I mean or rude.  I'm not quite sure where the last perception came from, but the more I learn about that person I think that her words came out of jealousy or envy or out of defense of feeling threatened rather than actual perception of my actions.

Still though, those are not new perceptions that I've heard of coming from me.  Throw in a dash of anti-social, self-centered, depressed and snobby and you have a recipe of me from a lot of the people I went to high school with.

What I am glad for is that these are not the impressions that my supervisor nor senior admin have of me.  Also since this position is transitional for me, I have to make connections outside my office but within the department in order to find a better fit for myself within the agency. The word on the figurative street though, is that in order to move to a different office you really need to know someone there.  A lot of positions are posted because per union standards they have to be, but typically the person to fill the position has already been selected.

Now knowing this I have been trying to get out to after work agency functions that would give me the opportunity to meet new people and find out about the different areas I could move to.  There are a few personal problems I have with the social functions though.  First, I don't know anyone and I don't mingle very well.  If I went on my own I would likely just sit there and wait for someone to approach me.  Also when I first meet people my conversations are rather short and to the point without a lot of elaboration.  I also get anxiety with a lot of people, a lot of noise and not having an anchor, or person that I can lean on to make the introductions, or to be the bold one to talk to others first and engage the conversation.

I have been invited to a few things by my supervisor.  He didn't realize I was as shy as I am apparently, and it became clear at the first of these events.  He does a really great job of making introductions though, almost to the disservice of keeping an employee.  He introduces me, and then gushes about my accomplishments within the department to people that could potential choose me as an employee.  So the first outing was about just being brave and getting out.

I actually just went which was a step in itself.  I had fun and one of my friends from back home joined me, and provided me with an anchor for the evening.  It was just a step of agreeing to go.  I figured if I kept saying no, my supervisor would stop inviting me.  I will say that I didn't step too far outside the realm of safe.  I was proud of myself for just going, staying the whole time, and feeling little anxiety while I was surrounded by a lot of strangers in a small space with a lot of noise and unfamiliarity.

I give myself a gold star for this!

Next Time: Pride Parade and the Shy Girl Club

introductions

Hi there... monika here.  I wanted a place outside of facebook and fetlife to work through my most recent adventures in being less of a shy girl.

So, I've always been the quiet, bookwormish, wall flower girl.  I have a hard time connecting with people that I first meet; especially if I meet them in a group setting.  Generally I make my impressions of people based on their interactions with others and just by watching how they get along with others.  I listen to what they say to see if there are red flags that would concern me if I were to speak with them; really it's just getting a general idea of who they are so that I know the best way to approach them and interact with them.

I have been called anti-social, snobby, stuck up, and even bitchy and mean by people who interpret my shyness as something else.  It hurts having that be the perception, when anyone who knows me, knows that is far from the truth.

Big social situations also cause me a lot of anxiety.  When there is a lot of noise, a lot of people, a lot of conversations, and just a whole lot going on, I have a hard time focusing.  That's why the one-on-one interactions work better for me.  I can focus on a single person, what they're saying and engage in a conversation free of a lot of distraction.

Being shy has now become a roadblock for me both professionally and in my romantic relationships with my SOS and my Sweetie.

So this is going to be a telling of my adventures, my feelings and my efforts in hopes of externalizing the my inner social butterfly.  I hope to share this with others and get some constructive feedback or just some cheerleading!

Thanks for reading--
-m